I'm Back - "To The Bone" And The Uphill Battle of Recovery

Saturday, I saw "To The Bone" Lilly Collins's new movie. It's about a girl's recovery from anorexia and it's such a poignant film and such a realistic depiction of what it's like to go through an eating disorder or even a mental illness. I related to it so deeply. If you've ever struggled with mental health, you will too. The main character, Eli, gets put into a recovery home and is forced to deal with her illness by not being made to deal with it, essentially. You see the frugal moments of recovery when she eats her favourite chocolate or allows herself to laugh with the friends she makes there. It forced me to think about my own situation and my own illness. The movie talks a lot about wanting to live and fighting for life. It shows that recovery has peaks and valleys and is not linear, as I hoped it would be.

The movie really made me reflect on how I've been living my life and how I've treated my mental health recently. I haven't been feeling well lately and am terrified of a relapse. Having depression has made me terrified of having depression, because I know how bad it can get. I don't want it to be that bad ever again. But I've struggled with keeping myself motivated to even do the things I love, like writing. This is the first I have properly sat down and written something in weeks. Being depressed is so boring and so draining. I have projects I want to focus on, projects that excited me and now I can barely get out of bed to take a shower. About two months ago, I was fine. I thought I had overcome my relapse and things were going to be fine. But now I am starting to realise that, unfortunately, things aren't that easy and definitely, not that simple. I am still recovering and that means that there are peaks and great moments and then valleys and bad moments. I am have to learn how to accept the bad along with the good and understand it is all a part of recovering, even if it scares me and makes me fearful of being ill again. Recovery is an uphill battle and it is not easy. I thought I had it figured out, but I don't. And now I'm trying to. I'm trying to not let the fact that I have been feeling down, ruin all of the progress I have made. It's tough. I'm still not sure how to do it. How to rest without quitting, but writing and focusing on the things I love needs to be a part of the answer. So, I'm back to blogging and writing and hopefully things will start to get better soon.