Eminem was right, everyone! Clean out your closets

              Relapses, whatever might be their nature, are never easy. A few weeks ago, I relapsed. My depression crept up on me and paralysed me, again, out of the blue and it terrified me. To have something you thought you had overcome, make such a grand and destructive entrance back into your life, made me feel so embarrassed, confused and, most of all, scared. I know why this relapse happened. I got my heart broken by someone I thought I was good and pure and I'm finishing my degree this year, so dealing with the rush of heartbreak emotions plus the uncertainty of my future made the perfect concoction for the darkness in my mind to break the walls I had created and inundate my life all over again.

                In the process of trying to force myself, most times unsuccessfully,  to not stay in bed all day, crying or sleeping, I decided to clean my closet. To throw out all the clothes, shoes, accessories, everything I hadn't worn or wouldn't see myself wearing in the future. I was ruthless and threw everything out. It was the weirdest experience I ever had doing a closet cleanup. I have such a hard time letting go of material things *coughs* slight hoarder *coughs* but this time, I just threw it all away, no second thinking, no wondering. Well, the only wondering I did was why it had been so easy, when I ran across Brenda's profile and read the description in one of her pictures: "When your perspective changes, everything that you once thought fit perfectly into your life, no longer does. That's the hardest part of growing up." And it hit me, the reason for my relapse, the reason for my sadness, the reason for my feeling of strangeness towards everything that surrounded me - I had changed. I am changing. And certain things I thought fit into my life, no longer do. I am shedding my skin without knowing what to do with its remnants.

                I hate change. I always have, but last year has made me realise how vital change is for evolution, for opportunity, for growth. The first post on this blog was about leaving your comfort zone, but now I am in my comfort zone, and it's not comforting anymore. It's like an itch, a dark cloud that is lingering and making me live with the remnants of the person I once was, the skin I am trying to shed. Healing is a funny thing. It can be painful and long and exhausting, but it also forces to take a step back and think about yourself, to learn about yourself, to free yourself. Living with a mental illness has made my life hell at times, but it also thought me so much about who I am and what I'm capable of.

                So, all those clothes that represented and were a part of the person I don't see myself as anymore are gone. I am allowing myself the time to heal. I am celebrating the small victories. I am making room for what's to come. I am being patient, especially with myself. I am trying to accept that my heart was broken and I have to feel the pain to move forward. I am trying to accept that the future is uncertain for everyone and I can't let that stop me from living. I am trying to be a better me.